How to Not Get Tackled by a Student

I was making last-minute copies today (as usual) before my final class, when I heard someone scream down the hallway, “I need security to room 101!” Now, while I don’t wear a headset or a walkie-talkie, or carry a badge that lets folks know I’m there to keep everyone safe, I do think it’s my responsibility to help when I can. So, immediately upon hearing this cry for help, I left the copies running on the machine and dashed down to room 101!

I halfway expected two or three middle schoolers to be in an all-out brawl, so I was prepared to get into the mix and break things up if necessary. But to my relief, no fists were flying as I entered the classroom. Instead, I bumped into 6’3 “Carlos,” angry, breathing heavily, and practically gearing up to break down the door.

Like any good educator, I started with questions first, not statements. Inquiry is the first step towards de-escalating intense situations.

“Los, what’s the word? Tell me what happened?”

His teacher, “Mrs. T,” recognizing my need to hear from him first, let Carlos speak freely.

“Bro! Y’all can’t keep me in this class,” he muttered forcefully through a clenched jaw. “If I wanna leave, you gotta just let me leave.”

Immediately, I validated Carlos’ sentiments. The next step in de-escalation is to affirm any truth a child is communicating, no matter how small or inconsequential. Give them that little win! This act costs you nothing, yet buys you trust, and makes them feel like you’re on their side, which you should be.

“You are absolutely right, bro,” I replied. “We can’t keep you here, but we do want you here. So please, tell me how we can make that happen. How can I help?”

In the midst of my calm and reassuring questions, Carlos paced from side to side, fuming, contemplating how to get around (or through) little, ole’ 5’10, Mr. Reed. Despite the fact that he was big, I had to remember that he was only thirteen. Just a kid. Most likely confused, afraid, or embarrassed. Not exactly sure of how he got himself into this situation, but sure as heck anxious to get himself out!

It was obvious that Carlos was heated, but due to the relationship we’d built together, I could tell that he felt the need to still respect me, and to treat me with at least a portion of the same dignity I’d given to him and his peers over the last few months of school.

He paced around me, but he didn’t push me. He made his points, but he never made an exit, which he easily could have done. It’s almost as if Carlos wasn’t listening to me, yet at the same time, heard everything I was saying to him. The pull on him was to do wrong, but he was trying his darnedest to get things right.

That’s the beauty of honoring the people in front of us and respecting their humanity, first. It always comes back to bless us on the backend, oftentimes when we least expect it.

To that end, de-escalation only works when those in positions of power put their ego aside. For educators, this looks like giving kids the opportunity to work through their state of emotional dysregulation, in real time. It also looks like us demonstrating patience as kids take time to learn from their mistakes.

Unfortunately, much of discipline in schools is punitive, punishment-driven, and meant to prove some petty point. The swift shelling out of consequences for irrational behaviors is often meant to satisfy the adult, or make them feel powerful, not to teach the child. This backwards mindset leaves no room for learning to take place, just judgement. Just a “fix,” that never actually fixes much of anything.

But what if, through practicing de-escalation strategies, teachers guided students through tough moments such as these? Moments where kids know right from wrong, yet struggle to make the wisest decision. Moments where the proverbial angel is on one shoulder, and the devil on the other.

What if we used these times to serve as the voice of reason for our students?To be louder than their pride, and more compelling than the pressure from their peers to perform. What if we set aside our ego in hopes of helping our scholars do the same? This is where teaching would truly take place! These are our defining moments!

Instead of shutting things down, educators would do well to slow things down, and give students the opportunity to break things down. That is de-escalation. Don’t just give them the answer (or the consequence) in a heated moment; give them the chance to learn for themselves in the midst of that moment.

Carlos’ teacher began to dismiss the other students from the room, wisely opting to take some of the pressure and attention away from the frustrated scholar. Once the room was empty, though, save for Mrs. T, myself, and Los, it’s as if losing the crowd of witnesses ignited a renewed sense of anger in him.

At first, it was being mad because he couldn’t leave. “Let me go!”

Then, it was staying mad because people were watching. “Give em’ a show!”

Finally, it became getting mad about something new. “I don’t care any mo’!

Carlos shouted, “I’m gonna be late for class, bro. You need to move out my way!”

Ahh. So there it was. A new reason for him to hold onto his anger and to shift the blame.

Not the fact that he deliberately walked out of class prior to be instructed to do so. Not the fact that upon being called back, he proceeded to yell and argue with his teacher. Not the fact that all he had to do was take his seat and be properly dismissed. None of that was an issue to Carlos.

The real problem, at least according to him, was that he couldn’t get his way, yet he masked this truth by claiming that he just didn’t want to be tardy to class.

I always find it funny when kids conveniently skip past the part about their accountability. Somehow, everything is always someone else’s fault, and remarkably, they never have anything to do with the problem themselves.

Carlos neglected to mention how he played a role in this situation, but sure was loud about how, “She always makes me late,” and how “I can’t be tardy to this class no more.” But again, despite his selective forgetfulness, I, as the adult, took my cue here. The next, most crucial step in de-escalating situations is to hold students accountable for their behaviors by lovingly reminding them of the truth.

“Carlos,” I stated calmly. “You be late cuz you be hangin’ out with your homies in the hallway instead of walking to class. Keep it a buck, bro. How many times do I see you and say, ‘Let’s keep it moving, sir?”

“A lot,” he admitted relucantly.

“Exactly,” I replied with a smile.

Carlos’ expression lightened up, but just slightly.

“So don’t try to blame your behaviors or your tardiness on your teacher. That’s not fair. Let’s be real.”

Having come to his senses, Carlos began to let down his guard, and THANK GOD, because I was definitely bracing myself to be on the receiving end of a crushing tackle! Crisis averted!

Mrs. T. spoke with him briefly, sharing her concerns about the situation, but also gave him grace and expressed her expectations for Los to make a better decision next time.

As they finished their conversation, Carlos, still concerned about his inevitable tardiness asked, “So, am I still gon’ be late since I was talkin’ to y’all?”

“Nah, bro. I gotchu. I’m your pass,” I responded. “Head to class, and I’ll text your teacher letting them know you were with me. You’re good.”

And that was it. We de-escalated the situation in less than five minutes, I ran to grab my copies, then I taught my 8th Grade Social Studies class. The end.

Mr. Reed Recommendations:

6 simple phrases to help educators de-escalate situations with kids:

1. You’re not in trouble (if they truly aren’t).

2. Can I hear your side?

3. I am not mad at you.

4. Tell me what happened?

5. How can I help?

6. Let’s talk about this privately.

Be filled with love. Be excited to learn. Be intentional to serve. Be happy to be there. And most of all, be THAT teacher.

Mr. Reed

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